Only in the world of Castle Doctrine...

protox13 · 2014-02-21 19:50:58

-You can remember the safe route to your vault, but you ALWAYS forget to lock your house before you leave.
-In fact, you forgot to install a front door in the first place. At least you remembered a welcome mat for all the homicidal robbers who will be visiting you.
-Or maybe it's because your family is too stupid to operate things like doors.
-Otherwise, how could your family not recognize you after putting a bandana on your face? Yep, gotta be the stupid.
-On the other hand, men (and women and children, for that matter) can run as fast as dogs.
-Speaking of dogs: apparently nobody ever feeds them because they are always hungry enough to eat whatever strangers throw at them.
-Homicidal strangers who pillage and murder dozens of people at random but apparently are too soft-hearted to kill equally homicidal, drugged dogs. They're just too CUTE when they're asleep like that!

-Dogs which can be fed at a range (4) which is farther than you can shoot things at (3). Why not just throw the damn guns?
-As for cats, we're missing the catnip/tuna item that attracts them towards you until they reach them item. Now THAT would be useful. Sometimes. Maybe
-Flamingos and garden gnomes are passe. Instead, impress neighbors with the mounds of backpacks and/or perfectly good tools outside your home!
-Seriously, those backpacks are f'ing huge.
-Who needs toilets? Just go in the pit.
-As for food, there's so much roasted dog you'd think you were in Korea, China, or Vietnam (disclaimer: not racist if you're making fun of yourself).
-Side note: Jason, if you really want this game to get some press, I can buy a gift copy or two for the folks at PETA.
-Clubbing MILFs: absolutely not what you think it means. And if you know what it means and it turns you on anyway, you are one sick bastard.
-In this bleak dystopian land, paintings that you can't resell or ever see inside your house will help keep you safe.
-Also: free, fast shipping everywhere- it's as if Big Brother merged with Amazon and PayPal.
-Life is short, and all the neighborhoods are bad, but you do get big (ware)houses.

jasonrohrer · 2014-02-21 20:09:06

Good stuff here!

42dustman · 2014-02-21 20:34:13

-Humanity has not yet discovered bank accounts and stuff like that.
-It does matter what kind of shoes you're wearing, stepping on electrified floors will kill you.
-Building are able to regenerate any damage done to them so long as none of it's residents die.
-Animals won't mind if you immure then by the hundreds.
-Animals will jump on pits and red-hot electrified floors without a second thought.
-If you put a red button on the ground no animal will step on it no matter what.
-A fit person can't jump across a 1.5m wide pit.
-A crowbar is twice as expensive as a revolver.
-Firearms only ever work once. If you want to fire again you gotta buy another gun.
-Same thing goes for bats: If you break a window with them they disintegrate.
-The wives of rich man have no problem carrying two hundred thousand dollars inside their pockets.

42dustman · 2014-02-21 20:49:22

-Thieves only ever act alone.
-Vaults filled with riches can double up as teleportation devices.
-If you successfully commit a robbery you will need to empty your backpack for the vault's contents even though your backpack has infinite space inside it.
-Scientists have invented some fancy new power source that can generate infinite power! You can buy your's for only half the price of a brick!
-If you kill a thief god will give you money.

protox13 · 2014-02-21 20:53:38

Come to think of it, the one-shot, low range guns might make sense if they're zip guns.

-This is a manufacturer's paradise: you have a captive market for high priced, shoddy goods that break after using exactly once.
-Amazon Prime cuts down on your margins, though.
-On the other hand, nobody lives long enough to survive the wait times with customer service.
-Plus, it's not like anyone has a phone to call customer service in the first place.
-Police here are like Swiss keystone cops: they usually arrive after the robber has left, but always exactly 10 minutes after a robbery has commenced.

42dustman · 2014-02-22 12:58:52

-Buttocks are true art.
-A single brick costs $150, but an entire goddamn concrete wall costs only $92. Cheers for wholesaling!
-Pitbulls have developed X-Ray sight and due to this their eyes now have a devilish red glow to them.
-Paintings are something you hide in coffers and yet visitors are still able to see them by taking just one step into your home.
-If a tall bald man in his 50's decides to become a thief he will turn into a slim man in his 20's.

Blip · 2014-02-23 09:44:08

- Pits are scaled using ladders. Why not use planks as an actual bridge or something?
- Also, ladders can literally float if need be. Just put one on the first of a line of pits to see.
- Despite your wife being incapable of operating doors, she can operate a firearm with ease.
- No piece of electronics has been developed that is smaller than a human.
- Cats are afraid of all humans, even their owner.
- Crowbars are the most expensive object in the world, save for paintings.
- You don't know your own name until somebody tells you.

colorfusion · 2014-02-23 10:19:04

- A single bottle of water costs the same as 50m^2 of wooden walls
- A pistol costs almost four times more than a shotgun
- You can only get close enough to club a dog if there's an even number of spaces between you
- Nobody has a job or pays taxes, but the the state can afford to constantly pay out $2000 for every new citizen and occasionally massive bounties.

joshwithguitar · 2014-02-23 18:23:33

colorfusion wrote:

Nobody has a job or pays taxes, but the the state can afford to constantly pay out $2000 for every new citizen and occasionally massive bounties.

Well, the state does claim houses and money whenever someone dies and perhaps there is a Goods and Services tax on tools sales and renovations?

Suedeo · 2014-02-25 14:57:24

...Houses have combination locks, but a vault is more like a cabinet.

42dustman · 2014-03-02 01:35:31

-The outer walls of a house are indestructible.
-You won't die if you plant an explosive on a wall right beside you and detonate it.
-Black people don't exist.
-Die and resurrect as the father of a stereotypical nuclear american family in the 90's with $2000 in your pocket, forever. Thus is the circle of life.
-You can leave the mangled corpse of your little daughter rotting in your entry halls for a whole month, not your wife nor your neighbors will care.

The Castle Doctrine Forums

#1 2014-02-21 19:50:58

Only in the world of Castle Doctrine...

#2 2014-02-21 20:09:06

Re: Only in the world of Castle Doctrine...

#3 2014-02-21 20:34:13

Re: Only in the world of Castle Doctrine...

#4 2014-02-21 20:49:22

Re: Only in the world of Castle Doctrine...

#5 2014-02-21 20:53:38

Re: Only in the world of Castle Doctrine...

#6 2014-02-22 12:58:52

Re: Only in the world of Castle Doctrine...

#7 2014-02-23 09:44:08

Re: Only in the world of Castle Doctrine...

#8 2014-02-23 10:19:04

Re: Only in the world of Castle Doctrine...

#9 2014-02-23 18:23:33

Re: Only in the world of Castle Doctrine...

#10 2014-02-25 14:57:24

Re: Only in the world of Castle Doctrine...

#11 2014-03-02 01:35:31

Re: Only in the world of Castle Doctrine...

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